Zooming Out On Personalization

#wellbeing #psychology

Lately I’m thinking a lot about personalization, the tendency toward inaccurately seeing oneself as the cause of external events and others’ actions (AKA a cognitive distortion). When someone around me seems to be in a bad mood — or even a neutral one! — personalization tells me: She’s mad at you. You’re irritating. You made her feel a certain way because you did or said that thing. While self-awareness can be helpful, personalization often isn’t, because it can cause needless worrying and self consciousness.

Where it comes from:

Personalization can stem from low self esteem, tendency toward self blame or shame, or paradoxically from a need to feel in control. People who experience anxiety or depression may be more likely to interpret circumstances through a personalizing lens. People with an anxious attachment style or high fear of abandonment may personalize others’ behaviors as a way to maintain connection.

Managing personalization:

Notice when you’re personalizing something
Reflect/Journal: What evidence supports this interpretation vs. contradicts it? What are 3 alternative explanations?
Avoid mind reading: Acknowledge that you don’t really know what someone else is thinking or why they did what they did.
Decenter yourself: Acknowledge that your interpretations are colored by your own perceptions and beliefs, so it feels like things “happen to you” — but many events are random, and most of what other people say and do is about them, not about you!